I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
