I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
