at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
