gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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