I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Randomize
