Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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