Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
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