worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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