I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
either way he was missing a nipple.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
