Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
