Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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