I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
