you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
