but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
