Hey man sorry I got all grabby
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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