we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
