Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
