If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
that is very illegal...i love you.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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