Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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