Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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