At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize