just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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