When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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