she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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