What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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