oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
