Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Small penises have feelings too.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
There r osticjed everywhere
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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