I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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