I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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