i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
