This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
