Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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