he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
