1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
