Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
