she pinky promised me she was 18
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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