1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I don't deserve a penis
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
