I faked an abortion last night.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
How's work?
Spinning.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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