dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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