i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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