cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
