Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
