i love accidental penises.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
