stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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