Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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