I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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