Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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