I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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