Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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