69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
