Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize