the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
