I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize