I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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