The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
