Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
