I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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