I cannot find my penis.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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