if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
