I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize