Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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