he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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