They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
