According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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