the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize