i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
