Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
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