i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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