Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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