Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
