grandma shit on top of the toilet
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
