it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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