if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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